I review terrible Hallmark Christmas movies for 2017!
Helpful Acronyms First!
CAG – Clumsy Ambitious Girl – If you’re definitely under 30 or at least passing for under 30, you’ll probably be cast as a CAG (Clumsy Ambitious Girl). You’re perpetually devalued at work, a doormat, and always spilling or dropping things. Hollywood likes to take really hot women and humanize them with clumsiness (see Bella Swan from the Twilight franchise). The CAG usually wants to be a writer or designer or some shit and will most definitely be receiving an engagement ring in the last 3 minutes of the movie. #netflix #xmasmovies #badmovies#tropes #cliches
LWW – Lonely Workaholic Woman – This character is played by an actress definitely over 30 and we all know that TIME IS RUNNING OUT for her. She must find a man before Christmas or risk dying alone. She’s a desperate character but don’t worry, she’ll definitely end up with a HW (hot widower).
HW – Hot Widower – Another Christmas movie cliche character is the Hot Widower (HW). Usually played by aging 90’s star. These dudes are fucking perfect in every way. Usually doing some charitable shit with impoverished children. Respectfully mourning the DS (dead spouse) but open to finding love again. Maybe it’s been a significant amount of time but these guys sure seem clean and well organized considering they were blindsided by grief recently.
HTH – Hometown Hottie – Another classic character is the Hometown Hottie (HTH). See HW (Hot Widower) but take away any previous kids or marriages. Generally was the boy across the street that pined for the CAG or the male best friend from high school. Usually very hot but the main female protagonist never noticed because she’s a fucking idiot. Often has manual labor job or saving a small town factory. Inevitably female lead will have to choose between her big city DSO (douchey significant other) or the HTH. Guess who she’ll pick?!?!
CHD – Conflicted Hot Dude – My very favorite Christmas movie character is the CHD (Conflicted Hot Dude). Variables can include CHRD (Conflicted Hot Rich Dude), CHP (Conflicted Hot Prince), or my fave…CHG (Conflicted Hot Ghost). This is a male character that has some fatal flaw but is ultimately a really good guy that just needs the right woman. His flaws could be Peter Pan syndrome, a workaholic, commitment phobe, haunted by events from the past, or just being the undead. It’s complicated for this guy but he’ll be saved by a CAG or PPG so it’s aight!
DSO – Douchey Significant Other – can be male or female. Generally irksome better half of someone the protagonist should be with. Trademarks include putting work first, not liking children, not liking christmas, and a face that looks like it’s sniffing farts constantly. May be big city, manipulative, lawyer type or oafish, aging HS football star that banged your bestie on prom night.
PPG – Practically Perfect Girl – Less common than a LWW (Lonely Workaholic Woman) or CAG (Clumsy Ambitious Girl) but still relevant for sure.
Practically Perfect Girl is a nice girl that has a perfectly contoured face, beachy waves and exists to aid the CHD (Conflicted Hot Dude) find his way. Often blonde with a healthy American rack and frequently played by post-nose job, Haylie Duff. She’s sort of the suburban version of a Manic Pixie Dream Girl. The PPG is oddly unlucky in love but will be engaged to a millionaire by the end of the movie. This character works best when the CHD is also a PPFT (privileged person finding themselves).
I review the worst made for TV Christmas movies ever. Hallmark Christmas Movie Reviews, Holiday Movie Lists, Bad Xmas Movies.Bad Christmas Movies
Terrible movies include the following!
- A Christmas Prince – Netflix – Oh Netflix, must you stoop to Hallmark/Lifetime’s level? Okay so Clumsy Ambitious Girl (CAG for short) falls for Conflicted Hot Prince (CHP) while secretly getting dirt on him as undercover big city reporter. Everyone is after the crown and shit be cray. Tiny Tim wanna-be little sister figure plays part of PSK (Precocious Spunky Kid). A makeover happens and there’s a slow-mo stair scene of course. More drama ensues. Spoiler alert….conflicted hot prince proposes to clumsy ambitious girl with Princess Diana lookalike ring while snow starts to fall and the camera pans up. This is how 90% of these movies end so get used to it. #achristmasprince ##netflix #xmasmovie#madefortv
- 12 Dates of Christmas – So I’ve watched 23 of these movies this month and I wished I had saved this one for later since it’s pretty watchable honestly. Amy Smart is a LWW (Lonely Workaholic Woman) who is obsessed with getting her ex back! She goes to the mall, gets sprayed by perfume girl, hits her head and then this turns into the Xmas version of Groundhog Day. Saved by the Bell’s Zach Morris is the HW (Hot Widower). If he had done a time out or used the brick phone, I would buy this movie. This movie has a lot of drinking in it which makes it feel a bit more realistic (#christmasdrunk) and also has me wanting to have a dance party with some chick I met on the street. The Groundhog Day curse ends when she learns to bake something and makes out with the HW. Totes watchable. #xmasmovies #netflix#12datesofchristmas
- Christmas in the Smokies – Immediate points off for lack of royalty or magic. Wealthy developer dude trying to take over. Must save farm or factory or something. Holds fundraiser, shit gets saved. This one was a total snore for me. I didn’t care if they lived, died or ever found the true meaning of Christmas.
- Holiday Engagement – PPG (practically perfect girl) gets dumped by DSO (douchey significant other) because she won’t move away for his career. PPG hires actor to pretend he’s her fiancé for the holidays because her mom is a controlling asshole. It’s additional mayhem when somehow they start actually planning the wedding for the next month. PPG is holding out hope that DSO will come back and marry her at the wedding she’s planing with the actor. One shared piano bench singalong and these two fall in love and get married the next month. Shelley Long wears insane hat to wedding. Also it’s super obvious that this movie was filmed in spring(shit is green) but they still have them all bundled up like it’s winter in the Midwest. Also this is predominantly a Thanksgiving movie which I found annoying. Thanksgiving is that boring holiday sandwiched between other holidays that have better decor.
- Naughty or Nice – Bad boy mouthy DJ from LA gets a time out in podunk USA. Haylie Duff is radio shrink in said podunk town with pathetic fiancé. Haylie Duff had a really good nose job and is now a staple of bad Xmas movies. Anyways these two banter on air and fall in love. Momentary strife occurs but they work it out and it starts to snow as the camera pans upward. Haylie Duff is usually a PPG (practically perfect girl) in these movies. The bad boy DJ is a classic CHD (Conflicted Hot Dude). I kinda adore this promo shot for this movie. Look at that sad puppy dog face of the guy to the left! You know he’s getting dumped this season! #netflix
- Christmas Crush – This one was one of my favorites!
Movie has crazy girl from The Pill. CAG goes home to her winter holiday high school reunion and learns lessons and shit. Wants to get old quarterback boyfriend back but ends up with HTH (Hometown Hottie) old male best friend. Here’s some thoughts.
CAG (Clumsy ambitious girl) has red hair. Nice change of pace from our usual blondes.
Extra points for stupid high school flashbacks. Especially when they put grown women in pigtails to make them look like they are in high school. Imagine all the money one could save on botox by simply plaiting ones hair…… The most amazing flashback is the food fight montage from high school! Dudes, there’s baguettes involved!! Back to present day……CAG has not one, not two but 3 singing/dancing numbers at her winter reunion. If I was a guest at this reunion I would have shot her by now. Make sure you watch the credits at the end which involves CAG throwing red jello during the food fight. Since she’s a ginger and super bubbly I like to think of it as a metaphor of throwing off her CAG personality and moving on to better things. You’re better than this one dimensional character! #badxmas#christmasmovie #atx #christmascrush
- How Sarah Got Her Wings – This one I don’t remember that well either because it’s not that memorable or because my brain has turned into a regifted fruitcake from watching too many #hallmarkchristmasmovies.
CAG (Clumsy Ambitious Girl) gets into an accident and is horrified to discover that Heaven doesn’t think she’s a PPG (Practically Perfect Girl). Sent back to earth to help ex boyfriend gentrify local area with hipster bar. Appears as ghost and can make it snow. Can also possess people but doesn’t do anything fun with her power. Meh, it’s not the worst.
- Dear Santa – directed by none other but leather jacket wearing 90s heartthrob, Jason Priestley! This shit is bananas y’all! It’s basically Sleepless in Seattle with Meg Ryan’s character being a PPFT (Privileged Person Finding Themselves) and Tom Hank’s character operating a soup kitchen. PSK (Precocious Spunky Kid) writes letter to santa that PPFT finds. Crazy PPFT lady stalks HW (Hot Widower) and mishaps happen! HW has DSO (douchey significant other) that hates iceskating and enjoys super insane passive aggressive fights in kitchens involving hand mixers. There’s an ECS (eccentric Christmas spirit) in the form of a pink chef outfit wearing gay guy at soup kitchen that has enough free time on his hands to help the PPFT end up with the HW. This movie has some of the most insane Christmas movie scenes ever and you’ll feel like you found LSD under the tree this year!
- Holiday Baggage – This was one of two movies I couldn’t finish. I know it’s a movie and we are suppose to suspend disbelief but I cannot buy this crap. Cheryl Ladd is a hot doctor who’s estranged philandering pilot husband is about to marry and impregnate a flight attendant that is 25 years younger in the Bahamas. He has heart attack while asking her for a formal divorce and she nurses him back to health after he runs away from the expensive hospital. There is literally no reality where a woman would do this no matter how much effing yoga she does in front of the fireplace. I couldn’t finish this one but I’m assuming it ends with everyone having a bitchin’ Christmas. #hallmarkchristmasmovies#badmovie #holidaybaggage #filmreview#christmasdivorce #xmasmovie
- Holiday Breakup – Holiday Breakup- Yikes. This one grated my nerves. Annoying girl (Conflicted Hot Annoying Girl???) that doesn’t want to “grow up” dates stuffy conservative type. They breakup around Halloween but pretend to stay together to avoid conflict with families over holidays. Because when you are under 30 and gorgeous your parents definitely worry about you dying alone. 🙄 I’m pretty tolerant but y’all this girl was awful. Anyways you can guess how this nonsense ends….with me booting all over my keyboard. 🤢 #hallmarkchristmasmovies#bootandrally #xmas #filmcritic
- Christmas Belle – Initially I thought this was going to be some hokey southern crap that included a cornbread recipe at the end but I soon realized that it’s a bad Xmas Beauty and the Beast. PPG (Practically Perfect Girl) Belle (Haylie Duff natch) loves old shit and books and animals and whatever other generic shit perfect girls like but her asshole Dad makes her work the auctioneer biz over Christmas. So she ends up at shirtless CHWD’s (Conflicted Hot Wealthy Dude) looking at all his shit. Conflicted Hot Wealthy Dude is trying to find himself by running thru backlit vineyards over and over without a shirt. I don’t know who edited this movie, but they were really into sun glared vineyard running. Strife and broken vases occur but these assholes fall in love and they get married in a barn. Le Duff is gorgeous but I’m not sure sleeveless really flatters her FYI costume peeps. Anyways beast dude now has book loving big breasted wife and is no longer conflicted. The end. #hallmarkchristmasmovies #haylieduff#beautyandthebeast #bmovie #filmcritic#filmreview
- The Spirit of Christmas – Holy shit, if you watch one of these movies this season, watch this one. Emotionally unavailable LWW (Lonely Workaholic Woman) is a big city lawyer that goes to deal with the estate sale of a Vermont Inn. Apparently it’s haunted 12 days of the year and they cannot get it appraised. Why they don’t appraise the fucking thing on the other 353 days of the year it’s not haunted is a question that continues to plague me. Anyways big city LWW meets the cursed CHG (Conflicted Hot Ghost) and around this time I feel like I should have a thematic cocktail or seven. Might be the vodka talking but this CHG is really freaking hot and apparently quite the talented bartender. He’s rocking some seriously tormented expressions, suspenders and a sick fade. At this point I don’t give a shit about who killed our CHG back in 1918 but start to fantasize about a life where I am haunted by undead mixologists. Admit it, having your spirits with a spirit sounds radical! So shit gets figured out and there’s some sexy ghost on LWW action. I won’t spoil the ending for you since I do think it’s worth the 86 minutes of your life. #zombiechristmas#thespiritofchristmas#hallmarkchristmasmovies #moviereview#hotghostsofinstagram
- Christmas in the City – So this one has a lot of fairly famous faces with the insanely smiley LWSM (Lonely Workaholic Single Mom) being Victoria from #himym. Her punishment for leaving Ted at the altar is to be in these movies forever!! Also her bestie is the amazing V from#shameless!!!! This movie is remarkable as it also has two ladies of color in it. How progressive. Anyways, LWSM is trying to save her small town family candy store and goes to the big city to work at a big fancy department store for the holiday season. A few thoughts…1) whoa, if she can make enough money to save a family biz in three weeks of retail, I’m in the wrong damn biz. 2) Seriously this store has free daycare for the PSK (Precocious Spunky Kid), where the fuck is this, Canada??? 3) God can they just focus on V from #Shameless? Anyways evil new manager wants more modern Xmas displays at the utopian department store and fires the real Santa!!! Why Santa is moonlighting as fake santa is never explained. Perhaps it’s a performance art piece for Santa’s MFA from the North Pole School of Design. Maybe he’s delinquent on quarterly taxes? Anyways, LWSM teams up with CHD (Conflicted Hot Dude) heir to Utopian Mervyns to #takebackchristmasand get rid of all those awful environment saving fake Xmas trees!! Another fucking piano singalong happens and it’s a white winter wonderland once again.#hallmarkchristmasmovies#christmasinthecity #shanolahampton#ashleywilliams #howimetyourmother#filmcritic
- Christmas Inheritance – The other main competitor in Netflix’s holiday domination tour 2017! I think the two #homebrews helped but I thought this was pretty aight. Sure the HTH (Hometown Hottie) is a total mouth breather and the PPFT (Privileged Person Finding Themselves) is a poor man’s Reese Witherspoon, but it was well done. Every time I see this actress, #elizataylor, I immediately get melon envy and spend a solid 15 minutes looking at breast augmentation before and after photos. Then I decide I’m entirely too fucking lazy to get a #boobjob and probably miss some serious plot idiosyncrasies. I also appreciated the fact that Ellen did not receive a blood diamond from Kay Jewelers at the end but could have done without the baking lessons from a smoking hot #andiemacdowell. Come on movie people, must the female lead have to learn how to bake all the time? Couldn’t she learn how to open a champagne bottle with a saber instead? Or navigate by the damn stars? Land a plane in the Everglades safely, I dunno! Anything other than more goddamn Christmas cookie baking!!! Anyways our PPFT CAG is humbled and enriched by hanging out with commoners and there’s a charitable event at the end.#christmasinheritance #netflix#moviecritic #melonenvy
- Christmas Star – Oh shite, this one’s set in bloody Ireland! I spent the first ten minutes thinking the mom in this movie was Ricki Lake and I was thoroughly impressed with her Irish accent. It’s not BTW. So a PSK (Precocious Spunky Kid) is born on Xmas and has magical powers and shit. Her dad works at the local snow globe factory that’s under attack by evil Irish-American wealthy dude. Pierce Bronson makes a few choice cameos which makes me like this movie more. True story, Pierce asked me for directions back to the @fourseasonson the bike trail! In his first scene he’s riding a recumbent bike which I’m imagining is an homage to our shared biking experience. I miss you too buddy! Anyways the PSK saves the snow globe factory and all is well. Kinda dull but Pierce and kids speaking in Irish accents allowed me to get thru it! #hallmarkchristmasmovies #moviereview#achristmasstar #piercebrosnan #ireland#irishchristmas
- Merry Kissmas – So this is part of a long tradition of Christmas movies where one shares an elevator with an equally attractive stranger, you mug down, reflect on make out session, annoy your friends with details about it and then receive #theleodiamond from Kay Jewelers in a week. The PPG (Practically Perfect Girl) has a DSO (Douchey Significant Other) that is a ballet choreographer and has a bad goatee. Although I guess since it’s no longer 1996, they are all bad. The #soulmate of PPG comes in the form of a super hot baker. He embodies the IPD (Imaginary Perfect Dude). Anyways PPG and DSO plan the most ridiculously lavish engagement party and hot baker is the caterer for this event. PPG and IPD make out in magic elevator and prattle on about an unremarkable wooden nutcracker for 45 minutes. There’s a baking scene where PPG doesn’t tie her hair back and will hopefully never earn her food handlers license. Then fucking puppies are introduced. Long story short these perfect assholes get together to no doubt discuss nutcrackers, Christmas cookies, crate training golden retrievers, and the proper serving temperature of quiche for all of eternity. Also if I see this damn Kay Jewelers ring one more time I’m going to expect one to magically appear every time I spill wine on myself. #netflix#hallmarkchristmasmovies#christmasmagic #everykissbeginswithkay#stuffwhitepeoplelike #merrykissmas#quiche
- A Dogwalker’s Christmas Tale – Another story of a PPFT (Privileged Person Finding Themselves) meeting Mr. Right and saving an ugly dog park by way of festive fundraiser. #meangirls alum Jonathan Bennett is our token CHD/HTH. Meh. I thought it was boring. #hallmarkchristmasmovies#netflix #dogparks #xmas
- A Christmas Kiss II – Remind me to go back in time and invent the genre of holiday elevator romances, it’s obviously a profitable one. Our resident CAG (Clumsy Ambitious Girl) Jenna is a riddled by daddy issues assistant to a fashion designer. She also has a ECS (Eccentric Christmas Spirit) next door neighbor named Sebastian (played by #jonathanbennett). A better and still on brand version of this movie would for Jenna to hook up with her hot, Chinese food bringing over, sensitive neighbor. They’d drink too many gin and tonnys one faithful night and that would be that. But no, Jenna and her trust issues have to make out with Vampire Bill look alike CHWD (conflicted hot wealthy dude) in the overused and probably covered in diseases at this point magical elevator. Some poinsettia laced xmas montages later there’s the required holiday party where Jenna’s dad cameos and repairs 28 years of daddy issues. Jenna gets that engagement 💍we can’t escape and her dreams of being a fashion designer come to fruition. Take home point, if you see a billionaire in an elevator try to make out with them. #achristmaskiss#achristmaskiss2#hallmarkchristmasmovies #daddyissues#engagementring #vampirebill#trueblood
- The Heart of Christmas – Do not watch this one unless you are taking some seriously hearty antidepressants. Dying cancer kids and Candace Cameron Bure will make you want to lay on the couch all day and think about what a petty asshole you are and how trivial everything (including this IG) is. I watched this on #netflix but it was originally aired on the gospel music network so expect every other line to be “I’ll pray for you” and traditional gender roles. #Momprenuer Candace gets a lot of shit for working too much but eventually learns that going to every single one of her kid’s soccer practices is more important than paying her mortgage. Spoiler alert, the little boy dies at the end and now I hate everything. Also the final text across the screen says some shit like “this family was comforted by their neighbors after their son died”. Sorry y’all, there’s not enough community Christmas decor in the world to help a bereaved parent. #candacecameronbure
- Noel – So this movie probably was at the theatre so it’s not really on brand for this project but I needed to see something palatable y’all! #susansarandon is a LWW (Lonely Workaholic Woman), #penelopecruz is a PPG (Practically Perfect Girl), the late#paulwalker is a CHD (Conflicted Hot Dude) and the late #robinwilliams is a ECS (Eccentric Christmas Spirit). Shit is sad but hopeful and if it wasn’t Penelope’s ending scene, I would give it a decent rating. Spoiler Alert! Penelope grabs her womb, looks into her CHD’s sexy face and breathes “I’ve got your Xmas present right here”. Seriously, what if she miscarries? Is she gonna have to go back out and get a #targetgiftcard? #noel #filmreview#netflix #christmas
- My Santa – LWSM (Lonely Workaholic Single Mom) has PSK (Precocious Spunky Kid) that needs a daddy. LWSM hates xmas and shit until she goes out with a mall Santa. Mall Santa is is actually real Santa’s son and heir to the Santa franchise but he needs a Mrs. Claus to make this shit work out. They go out and he’s fucking perfect and looks good in red. He tells her he’s Santa’s son and she’s all “see ya never psycho” obvs. Then some shit come under her xmas tree and she realizes he’s the real Santa Jr. Snow falls as they make out. I’d pass on this crap. #hallmarkchristmasmovies#netflix #meh #filmcritic #mysanta
- Back to Christmas – CAG (Clumsy Ambitious Girl) runs into ex boyfriend a year later after their broken engagement with dirt on her face. #thehorror She later is visited by an ECS (Eccentric Christmas Spirit) that looks like Amy Schumer and enjoys diner grub. The next day she awakens at her parent’s house and gets an Xmas do-over where she’s still with the ex! The ex is a DSO (Douchey Significant Other) that surprises her with tickets to Aspen and hates children. Conflict occurs when boy next door HTH (Hometown Hottie) starts lurking around said CAG. The ECS shows up in gorilla suit and DSO continues to berate children, Christmas, and cookie dough. I find myself wondering if Aspen has an airport and where the hell they are in America that it’s an 8 hour flight to Colorado. Big shocker, she ends up with the cabinet making HTH and never goes to Aspen. Let’s keep our fingers crossed she eventually visits Breckenridge!#hallmarkchristmasmovies#xmasmovie #bmovies #filmreview
Bad Xmas Movies